I grow tired of arguing. All arguing. In my life, two people, at each other’s throats, have never resolved an issue by shouting at each other. Problems are fixed only when both parties decided they rather grow than be right. One or both people can be passionate about the subject, but they stay on subject and refuse to make it personal. I’ve had these moments with both parents. And what I have with my parents- to some degree- is a measure of trust. My mother can tell me “hey, I don’t like how to talked to be just then” without it becoming a big thing. I’ll simply apologize and we move on.

More recently, I’m tired of feeling defensive and the spiral that follows. It’s embarrassing. Do you know how many people have encountered me in the woods, cussing at the air and wagging my finger? Seriously.

My focus and fixation on trauma, offense, and pain leads to a dark dry desert called Bitter Assholeville. And it’s not for me. On most occasions, I stop myself and commence a series of verbal exercises including a prayer of forgiveness for myself and the other person. But, what I want is to be done with the whole damn process, to put to bed the broken parts of my past. No more Steve Thompson, no more ex-girlfriends, no more sibling fights where we try to convince the other my pain is greater than your pain, no more arrogant couple who pretended to live in London for years but really in was eight months, no more duel of wits.

I don’t know why or how this pattern began, but’s it’s time for it to end. There has to be a way? Right? To leave it behind and engage fully in the moment without letting the past ruined it? Lord knows I want to approach each day, person, and moment without cynicism. The missing piece is how to get there. How does anyone go from negative, defensive thoughts to regular thoughts of hope and love? I’ve done all the things- written letters and emails, burned things, prayed and prayed some more- and I still fight this fight, every single day.

Pray for me y’all. If I had the choice between a BILLION DOLLARS or to be set free from mentally fighting everyone in my past, I’d gladly choose the freedom. Of all my battles, this one is the big One.