This week has an absolute battle for myself. I’m tired of fighting ghosts, and arguing with people who aren’t in my life. I’m not under attack, but I feel that way. As my counselor said on Wednesday,”it’s in your head.”

She’s right. I have a good life, and I am blessed beyond measure.

I have parents who love me, friends who care about my life, and a God who is never angry or unkind. I am loved and worthy of love, not matter what. So, despite the Battle of January, I will keep fighting. I’m not giving up on me, because I’m worth it.

I love me, and I believe in myself.

I wish I could control my brain, and maybe I can. Perhaps, it’s a process to be learned. Regardless, I will not be swayed or turn from the path I decided to follow last year. This is the mountain I am climbing, and I aim to see the top.

Last summer, when I hiked to Ramona Falls, I wanted to turn back. The internet told me the trek was 3.5 miles each way. After 4.5 miles, I began to wonder if I was lost. How much further is it? My legs burned, and I was starting to get hungry.

I’m glad I stayed to the trail and didn’t turn back. Ramona Falls was even better than I expected, and totally worth the trip.

As of this moment, I feel like I’m halfway on my way to something. I believe in something good at the other end, but…is it worth it? Yes. Of course, it is. In any case, what would I turn back to? What’s my recourse? I honestly don’t know.

I’m not going back to a world of cigarettes, porn, and alcohol. There’s no going back to self-pity and despair. Whatever this moment is- the emotions, thoughts, and grief- is nothing compared to what I’ve experienced in my past. It’s good for me to remember that.

Walking with Jesus and running after the Kingdom of God is not a candy lane to sunshine and bottomless joy. I wish that were true. It wasn’t for Jesus, so it won’t be for me. I will create space for faith and gratitude, peace and grace. He begins when I stop fighting or trying to sound smart. He honors my truth, then injects His reality. I can think myself into a gutter like anyone, so it takes the Expert to elevate my soul beyond my genius.

Winning isn’t in my intellect, but in my surrender.