Vol III: #87 Normal Day
I woke up in a funk this morning, what I’ll describe as a mental haze of hopelessness. And the funk wasn’t one of heightened emotion or anxiety, on the contrary it was very logical. The thoughts in my head attacked my sense of purpose and the vision I have for my life, and all this at 5 am… I assume other people wake up in a similar fashion, though hopefully not every day. And what a dreadful way to start a week.
I hate thoughts like I’m a failure, I’ll never succeed, and you’re living a lie. And I often wonder if I’m full of shit, if I’m creating a world where success is always out there but never something I can achieve. And if success for a 42 year-old is defined by wealth and a family, then yes, I’m an abject failure. And early in the morning, these types of judgments hit harder and seem to sink deeper into my soul than they normally do.
What I’m proud of is my reaction to my early morning cocktail of lies and anxiety. Instead of sleeping away my morning or rationalizing a defeated day, I went to the prayer chapel and then to the gym. And by 8 am I was sweaty and more grounded, able to focus on my work day. I don’t know why or for how long I will battle feeling like a fraud or failure. As a general concept I believe in the idea of victory over anxiety and fear, over lies and self-sabotaging notions. And I also believe victory means being free from these thoughts or emotions. Perhaps that’s not how it works. Maybe the first victory look like today, in my choice to push on with my day, in doing of what looks so normal to everyone else.
