There Is No Hope

A younger, less mature version of me, saw faith as a mystic ability to control events and outcomes. If I had faith I could change the world. If I prayed hard enough and I was righteous enough, the Lord would do my biding. My faith depended on me, my righteousness, and holiness. If my prayers went unanswered, loved-ones went unhealed, or the country spiraled toward hell, it was because I lacked faith.

I Was Wrong

Basically, I (and every other Christian) were flawed. That’s bullshit, 100% complete bullshit. Faith isn’t a manipulative super power dependent upon my holiness. Faith is trusting the Lord to lead us, to lead me.

Yes. There is Hope

I spent time today reflecting on the last year of my life. I’ve changed so much since the beginning of 2020. I wasn’t a bad person, but I lived a shadow life. I lived in the outer courts of Heaven too scared to lay my life down to the King. That’s not my reality now.

I will always be a person with desires and dreams. My brain and spirit live in the world of the possible, and it comes with a steep emotional price. Disappointment, rejection, and failure are the hallmarks of risk-takers like me. It’s part of the journey, and always will be. I can’t stop being me, so I accept some venture will fail. I accept some relationships will die. And, I accept some people will hate me. So be it.

Faith Is Real

When I partner in faith, none of the pain stings my heart or controls my thoughts. I simply tell the Lord how hurt I feel. Then, I regroup with four simple words,“Your will be done.” There is freedom in letting go, in saying “Lord, I trust you.” It’s not about me or how righteous I am.

Righteousness, after all, starts with believing God. That’s what it says in Genesis and is echoed in the words of Paul. “Right standing with God” is a matter of faith, not works. Works follow faith, not the other way around. The trap for people like me is looking to the final product as the judgement of our souls. Faith isn’t an outcome. It’s a trust.

Faith Expels Sin, Creates Room For More

Many of us try to be “righteous,” mainly because we think it’s about sin. (I could rail on how wrong the church is on sin. Sin is destructive and terrible. Yes. But, the roots of sin are what need to be addressed. See the Lord’s conversation with Cain as an example. In Genesis 4, the Lord speaks to Cain disposition as the root of sin.) The opposite of fear is faith. Fear causes sin, self-protection, and war. Faith lives in the world of plenty, creates space for one more person at the table, and believes in peace.

I thank God He led me down the road I walk today. No, I don’t get everything I want. My life wasn’t magically transformed by some kind of spiritual lottery. I let the Lord take my heart and my life. He’s working wonders greater than moved mountains. He turned a cynical, scared-shitless boy into a bold risk-taking man.

I’m never letting go. No matter what.

Thank you Jesus for being my God and friend. Thank you for walking with me in the depths of depression and suicide. I’ve peered over the peaks of the mountains and beheld what truly makes you special. It isn’t miracles and wonders- great as they are. It’s your desire and determination to love me, always hoping and wanting the best for me.

That’s an awesome God. Your will be done. Always. Amen.