Vol IV: #27 My October Morning
A short-haired man in acid washed jeans and blue running shoes splayed himself in the middle of the prayer chapel. He’d balled up a red hoodie into a makeshift pillow and rested his face on it, turned toward his left shoulder. The beat up gray suitcase along the wall across from where he lay said “I just got off a plane and came straight here.” And as he prayed, he prayed as though he were talking to someone. And had he not somehow managed to be louder than the music and the bubbling fountain, I’d never noticed. But, I did notice. To the point of anger and distraction.
Rules are rules, are they not? And who was this random intruder? Whatever state he’s in, he doesn’t have the right to ruin my morning with his loud, obnoxious prayer. We get it dude. You’re desperate or self-important. Yes. You’re special. The rules do not apply to you.
After stewing a bit, I moved across the room to be downwind of his voice. My previous seat was in direct line of fire as his mouth was pointed my direction. When I settled a few seats to his right, this stranger had the sack to look in my direction, as if I did something wrong. Sorry loud guy. Yes. You were too fucking loud for me so I moved, rather than cuss you out in the middle of a prayer chapel. And then I felt like an asshole, a modern pharisee. And worse.
I’d walked into the prayer chapel in a certain way-everything felt pointless and empty. And I know from experience, that’s a bad way to be. The annoying intercessor was not my problem, but I focused my anger on him and turned him into a demonic super villain whose sole purpose was to destroy my sense of peace. And when the man kept at it, I stormed out of the room in a passive aggressive rage, cursing the poor bastard. And then I felt like an asshole again. Cursing people under my breath was something I did as a child, to my family and teachers. And it’s made an unwelcome return in 2023.
* * *
In my car, I stared at the pink clouds over Mt Lassen as the sky began to lighten. And out of sheer habit, began my daily Bible reading. Today included Proverbs 12 and Matthew 11:
25Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs it down, But a good word makes it glad.
28 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
I wanted to reject these words. I’m not a victim. My anxieties are my fault and thusly I have to fix them. But, that’s not what the words say. The scripture doesn’t say Come to me, all who are weary- BUT ONLY IF YOU’RE WEARINESS IS EXTERNAL, OTHERWISE FIX THYSELF!!” And so, I will not try to be perfect or torpedo the day. Instead, I’ll work on one task as a time, stacking little wins.
