Over the last two days, I’ve thought a lot about what my blog posts were when I first started eight months ago. They short and focused. My writing was unapologetic, and gave myself the grace to use words like fuck without censoring it. It was vulnerable and raw. I want to get back to that place of reckless honesty. Be assured, I haven’t been dishonest, but last September I let my job begin to influence my writing. It’s time to stop.

What Happened?

What had happened was…I began a course on content marketing which included a section on blog writing. Successful blogs need to so many words. They need to use H2 and H3 headers, numbers lists, and various forms of media. Then I started setting goals. I wanted a certain number of readers by next July (and unless a miracle happens I will fall woefully short of that number.) I began to turn my blog, my shelter to the world, into something other than the outlet it should be. I placed burden on my writing, my prose. I think I lost a bit of my voice along the way.

In fairness to myself, I never stopped challenging myself. I’m always going to push the line and hold myself accountable. I see this moment as a bit of an adjustment, necessary and good.

The Lord told me, in late January, to stop looking at numbers. It was an encouragement to show up and write, to give myself freedom to be me. I lasted a few weeks, then slowly began to review my analytics (website data) here and there. Then, everyday. This has to stop too. I’m not writing for you. I write for me and for Him. I write because it serves a part of me designed to arrange words and confess my reality. When I allow data to dictate what I say and how I say it…I’m letting the oldest fear creep back into my life.

That Sonofabitch Need For Approval

In my line of work, numbers are everything. To be a creative, they cannot this way. To be me, they cannot be everything. If my approval comes from how many people read what I write, I’m fucked. I’ve robbed myself and the world of the best part of me for the sake of the acceptance. It’s a battle I’ve won before, so I’ll asserts my rights as the victor now.

Lord, help me. Thank you for pointing me the right direction. My biggest challenge is to be who I am, but I know it’s what you asked to do.

I accept your offer.