Mentally Tired

I’m kinda scattered today. It’s been an odd day.

I went for my walk, enjoyed the Lord, worked a bit, then worked some more. And, I can’t tell you what I’ve done the last three hours. And yesterday feels like a week ago. Again, I’m not sure what’s going on in my brain.

Last evening I was mired in loneliness and searching for purpose. I decided to visit the Bethel Prayer Chapel, which was the tonic I needed. I was brutally honest with the Lord and laid everything out- how I felt about my work, myself, and my future. I had to find the surface of my inner world, and for the first time in weeks I felt like I could breath.

The Fog Is Good

This morning I admitted I want a vision to run after. From the summer of 2019 till May of this year, I “had a purpose.” I confidently told people I was part owner of a BBQ catering company. It was the thing I committed to do for the next 5-10 year. Then, of course, by June, I moved on to digital marketing. I am not called to sling BBQ.

As I finished my walk, the Lord reminded me of the picture He gave me in July: a dark endless fog. He called me to go into the murky unknown and trust Him. It was an easy call to answer in July, but in November I am searching for something more concrete. The fog is not a place to find mental satisfaction.

The irony is I now know I am not a task/job oriented person. I want to have a plan for other people. It’s not respectable for a 40 year-old man to say he doesn’t have a long-term vision or plan. But…I don’t. I know I’ll likely go the Bethel ministry school next fall, but then what? I really don’t know.

What I really want is to love people and encourage them in their walk with Jesus. What it looks like or how the Lord brings it to me is not important.

Lord, thank you for walking with me and building me to be the type of man who doesn’t need to satisfy others. Thank you for loving me the way I need to be loved.

Amen.