As a digital marketer, it’s hard to exist without a Facebook account. Gone are the days of print ads and big-money radio spots. Online platforms are where it’s at, and they are way more effective. The only account I own is used to post ads for my clients. I started it when I ran ads for a BBQ company and friended only the owner and my girlfriend. If you know my story, I broke up with both my business partner and girlfriend. But, I kept the Facebook account- for work.

Last July(in 2020), I logged into Facebook to check on the ad performance of a new client. There, at the top of my feed, was a post from my ex-girlfriend. Over a year later, I can’t remember the details, but it included the phrase “I don’t have to settle.” I have no idea what she meant or what she referred to in her post. Naturally, I took it personally. I wish I didn’t see it, mainly because I wasn’t looking for it. During breakups, it’s common to check on the other person. I don’t know why we do this, and that’s not what I was doing. I did my best to leave her alone. It’s what she wanted. Nonetheless, I saw what I saw. And, it hurt. Again, I have no clue if she meant me.

The stupid fucking phrase “I don’t have to settle” is something I’ve said. Almost all of us have. Of course, none of us “have to settle” for anything. Settling is beneath us. We want the best. Blah, blah, fucking blah. It’s the phrase of idealists attempting to shield themselves from a bad choice. It’s the mantra of the immature and the restless. And nine times out of ten, that phrase is utter by someone who can’t tell you what they want.

Here comes the truth: when we say “I don’t have to settle” regarding the people around us, we show our asses. For one, no one settles for another. And two, how fucking belittling and dismissive. It’s one thing to say “we aren’t a good fit” and another to say, “this person is beneath me.” When my ex was anxious, and at her wit’s end, she becomes judgemental. So this phrase doesn’t sound unusual coming from her. As I said before, she could’ve described any number of situations or people in her life.

What bothered me is she likely referred to me. I gave her everything and was ready to go the distance. How is that beneath her? She might find a more fit man or someone with more wealth, but I guarantee she won’t find a better man. Obviously, she’s too immature to know it. How could she? It’ll take her another 4-5 years of failed dating to get it. A woman like her, who walks away from a man like me, doesn’t get it. She thinks she’s going to find Mr. Perfect- the one to answer all her fears with a magical flourish. Her life will be both adventurous and safe, fun and easy, midwestern sensible. (Did I say she was immature?)

It would take her one conversation with any married woman to know otherwise, which is what she didn’t want to hear. She didn’t want to grow up and do the work required to be in a healthy relationship. It was heartbreaking to walk away from her, despite all that. She was a wonderful walking irony. Unfortunately, the ex seemed to take most of her advice from terrible sources- other scared single ladies with little to no dating experience. I’m glad I watched her go through the moment because it taught me a lot about what to look for in a woman ready to go the distance. Does she talk to her friends? Or people who crossed over from single to married? Is she trying to make it? Or avoid pain?

I’m not as mad as I might sound in this post. Immaturity is infuriating but understandable. No one is magically born with the ability to make all the best choices, and the only way to learn is to try and to try means failing. I was a maturity failure for my ex-girlfriend. She didn’t intend to run away from something good, but she wasn’t prepared to go the distance either. One day, down the road, she will learn valuable truth all married people must accept: I am imperfect, and so is my spouse. The sooner that day comes, the better.

As for me, my ex-lady did all the things I fear most. She rejected me and then acted like I was the problem- not her crippling anxiety or desire to remain hidden in the shadows of life. The words “I don’t have to settle” are the worst for someone like me. What I love about it is how I responded. Ultimately, I didn’t let her judgemental approach determine my actions. Years ago, a comment like that would’ve sent me down a depressing porn hole. I would’ve cut people out of my life as I ate myself into a new pant size. But that’s not what happened. I fought for myself and continue to fight for myself.

Strength and grace are what happens when we let the Lord build us. What caused us pain in the past becomes a mere annoyance. I’m always going to be the guy who loves people, which will cause me some heartache. I want the people I love to love me back. My goal is to let go of that expectation while staying true to myself. The truth is most people will not love me back.

Most people will take my best and carry on the way they were headed as the ex did. She wandered into my life, then kicked me out when it got hard. The joy set before me is the moments and people who love me back. And I have plenty of those. My tank is stocked with great friends and family- and soon a lady. I refuse to settle for depression, anxiety, or self-pity. I refuse to belittle myself or others. I want what’s best for my ex-lady friend, and I trust the Holy Spirit to lead her. One day I’ll be married and face deep in a family. So will she. Our relationship will just be part of the journey. (I just hope she laughs at herself when she realizes how ridiculous she was.)