Three years ago, as the Pandemic and masks and debates began to warm, my life took a gentle but sharp turn. The Lord asked me to lay down the plans and dreams I had in the moment- as business owner and boyfriend- to embrace a new path. He asked me to step into the unknown, the unplanned, and undreamt. And so, over the summer of 2020, I prayed and cried and believed. And for the first time in my life, I didn’t put my faith in a scheme or strategy, rather I learned to be faithful and consistent.

I feel like I am still striving and learning to be faithful, allowing for results to be a result of a process rather than forced outcome. This life, my new life, is one that requires patience and grace because I fail everyday. Like, everyday. Without love, for myself, I’d give up and fall down a deep well of self-pity. And it is the Lord who whispers “I love you, Nik.” And if His words are the truest, than however I judge myself, I must be wrong. And what I learned to do over the last three years can be rendered into two words: try again.

What? Your mind isn’t melting? Yeah, I understand how underwhelming my big life lesson. But, it’s huge for yours truly. The internet and academics and my own thoughts/emotions are often stacked against me. The pull to settle for comfort and normal is strong. I’m too old, too unskilled, untested, and I lack discipline. No one would blame me if I settle into my job found a basic white lady and started pumping out kids. But, that’s not me. That’s not the journey I’m living. Faith means doing things you didn’t think you could, watching the Lord flow through your heart and fingers, out into the world.