Today is one of those days where everything is rotten, broken, or shabby. It feels like I’m trying to climb a greased wall, blindfolded, with stubs for hands. To add to the frustration, I feel simultaneously forgotten and belittled. Both are perceptions of how the world sees me. I know both feelings are wrong, which doesn’t make me feel better. No. Ironically, I feel worse knowing my thoughts are wrong. I hate battling this shit.

I was supposed to kick it with a buddy tonight, Nathan. He’s a kid to me, at 26 years old. We meant to celebrate his engagement. I am eager to do so, but not tonight. Tonight, I’m not going to push myself to the back and pretend to be ok with the world. I love my friend. If he were me, I’d tell him to do exactly what I’m doing.

Lies, fear and inward navel-gazing are how I am attacked. What I love about this moment is I know how to handle it. I’m going to spend the rest of my evening doing what it takes to push back the darkness and bullshit. That’s all it is. I’ve done this before, and it’ll happen again. I’m not sure a complete victory of anxiety is possible, but I do believe I walk in victory over it. I win by fight back, asking questions, and declaring the truth. The truth I am not rotten or broken.

PS- Mom, I’m ok.