“With You[Jesus], there is no beginning or end, just being. And I aim to be me the rest of what I’ve got to live. My bag is full of wisdom to be applied, not dusty useless memories. I’m hauling valuable nuggets of truth and grace- treasures to share to the thirsty, and those ready to move onward.”

The above is part of a prayer I wrote last night. The beginning of this same prayer centered on the scattered state of my thoughts. The last month my brain has been on overload- creative thoughts, mixed with processes, big emotions, random opinions, long desires, and hope. And some fears. 

This morning on my walk, I shed a few tears while talking to the Holy Spirit. My brain likes to do its own thing, and I am exhausted by all the cranial activity. I’m going to have to learn how to focus on a few things rather than considering the whole. And I believe I will. 

The thing is, at almost 40 years old, I can see my life as load of treasure. Which seems somewhat odd. On the surface it’s doesn’t seem like much- lots of cooking, masturbating, some Jesus, some friends, a trip here and there, lots of debt, self-doubt, failed relationships, obesity, weed, and personal growth. Seems fairly basic to me. 

But it isn’t. I couldn’t see it for a while, but I’ve been moving up the mountain- not mired in the valley. I know how to overcome fear and beat obesity. I know the answer to porn addiction and fantasy jerk-offs isn’t as simple “stop doing that.” I’ve found answers to self-pity, anxiety, and hopelessness, been suicidal multiple times. I know how fucked that place is. Given the state of the world…don’t we need that? Don’t we need people preaching/teaching/sharing practical hope and joy? Don’t we need people who’ve been in the shitter, lost in a desperation, but found a path to Life?

So yeah. 30 something years of shit is suddenly pure gold. Wouldn’t change a thing. I’m ready to shine a light on the path to Life, and it’s a path everyone can walk.

Bring on 40.