A: Never Alone

Loneliness is more often a state of mind than my reality. 

I have, in moments of self-hatred and denial, felt the sting of loneliness, on my birthday, surrounded by my friends, who were in the room to celebrate my life. 

My loneliness was was form of self-belittlement, and the older I grew the more I knew something was amiss. Akin to self-imposed isolation, it stemmed from an insecure crack in my chest, when I craved approval and validation. I’d slink into my hovel desperately hoping for anyone to break through and scream “I LOVE YOU NIK, YOU ARE GOOD MAN, AND YOU ARE BRILLIANT, AND KIND, AND FUNNY, AND CUTE, AND ALL THE THINGS A GOOD MAN IS.” 

It was an evil game with no winner. 

During the summer of 2020, I spent as much time by myself as I have ever spent alone. And yet, loneliness did not come calling. The solid truth is I never was or ever will be alone. 

I am loved.

I am worthy of love.

I love myself. 

And He, the Goodness and Gracious Gifter of Life, is always with me.